Then we hit the road for the 2 hour drive to Billings and got there just in time for the 1pm appointment. The doctor I saw last time was out of the office, so there was a back up doctor covering for him, which was fine. The ultrasound tech first took pictures of everything on the baby, starting with the head and brain and working her way down through the abdomen and measuring the femur and arms, etc. She again confirmed it was a girl, which was the 4th time they've confirmed it! All the organs looked really normal and look to be functioning properly. However, the cyst is still there. I was hoping that maybe it had magically resolved on it's own and wouldn't be there when the picture came up, but it was. It's grown a little bit and is about 2cm by 3cm or so. Last month it was about 1.7cm by 2.5cm. They also told me that she is weighing in at about 2 pounds 7 ounces, which is about a pound more than last month, so it seems to make sense to me that the cyst has also grown slightly. It doesn't appear to have any impact on the organs around it, which is good. They showed us the bladder and gall bladder and stomach and bowels and kidneys and they say everything looks completely normal.
The doctor who was filling in came in and looked at everything and talked us through it. He basically recommended that we come back two more times before the delivery, once at 32 weeks and once at 36 weeks. The ultrasound at 36 weeks will determine if I need to have a c section or if I'm able to deliver vaginally. Basically if her stomach grows larger than normal, we may need a c section. They also told us that typically the mother's hormones are out of the baby's system by about 4-6 weeks after birth, so they would likely do an ultrasound on the baby right after birth in order to determine exactly where the cyst is. Then they would check it when she is 4-6 weeks old to see if it is shrinking or if it needs to be drained or surgically removed. It sounded like worst case scenario would be that it is attached to an ovary and that they would have to remove the ovary. But they won't be able to tell that until the ultrasound after birth.
They gave us a couple 3D photos, below, which are kinda cute in a strange way.
The baby's head was up at the top of my stomach, so I'm guessing the little punches I'm feeling up there are the hands. Neil and I then drove the 3 hours back to Big Sky just in time to pick Cora up from school at 5:30pm.
Here's me (and Cora) at 28 weeks.
As far as how I'm feeling, I've discovered that pregnancy just really isn't for me. I end up feeling stuck, which in turn makes me feel depressed. I can't go to my favorite exercise classes, I can't ski, I can't ride my bike, I can't play tennis, I can't go to the movies, I can't travel, I can barely even take a short walk without my body hurting. I took Cora for a walk to the library and park Sunday afternoon, which is maybe a 15 minute walk each way, and the rest of the evening and next day I could barely walk from the pelvic pain. And while I fully support breastfeeding (and I vaguely remember enjoying some of it with Cora), I already know that the next year will revolve around the feeding schedule and trying to accomplish at least something in between the 3 hour feeding times. I start thinking about all the things I'm not going to be able to do for years, maybe even 20! When will I get to catch up on sleep ever again? When will I get to travel internationally again? Maybe I really do want to get a master's degree in International/Intercultural Education. And when will I ever get to live in Germany again?! Probably never. Sad. And I feel like small things trigger me feeling worse about this stuff. Like Cora screaming and crying at me the other night when she was trying to fall asleep. Of course she has been waking up several times in the night lately and having a hard time going back to sleep, so that in turn means Neil and I are a bit sleep deprived too, which doesn't help anything. I just feel like I'm an independent person and the lack of independence is really challenging for me.
So, I've asked my midwife for a recommendation of a counselor/therapist I could talk to. She gave me the name of a few people in Bozeman she recommends. I was hoping there might be someone in Big Sky and I'm not quite sure how I'll be able to manage more appointments in Bozeman, so we'll see.
I seem to be reading so many articles these days about "mommy guilt" and to not be such a perfectionist. And people tell me to savor these times when my kids are small and that it will go so fast (which I know it does) and that I will want these times back, but I don't feel like it's a switch that I can just turn off. I know I should feel happy and lucky for being able to be Cora's mom. And then I feel guilty for not enjoying it more. And I know I'm more fortunate than others and then I feel even more guilty. And then I talk to one of the employers I work with who is expecting a baby in the next few weeks and I ask her if it's her first and she tells me it's her fourth. Fourth! I of course say, "Congratulations!" and "How exciting!", but what I really want to say is, "Are you crazy?!" and "How do you do it?!". And part of me is envious because I'd like to love being a mom all the time and I'd like to have lots of kids like her.
Neil tells me that in 2 years I'm probably going to ask him about having a 3rd baby, and he's probably right, I'm sure I'll go through a time where I forget all about how miserable I was and think, "That sounds like a good idea!" I assured him I wouldn't though.
And then I look on Facebook, which is probably a mistake, and I see acquaintances from high school with beautiful families and looking gorgeous and that doesn't help anything either. And then I decide to go eat a mini Snickers that we have in the pantry from Halloween. That will make me feel better, right?!
On a positive note, I put some of my favorite pictures of Cora into a frame and hung it on her wall, alongside her monthly first year photos and her foot prints as a baby (and a silly painting I did with my girl friends at a "canvas and cocktails" night, that happens to match the colors in Cora's room). I also bought frames and hung up our family photos from the past few years, finally. And I know in a blink of an eye this new baby will be almost turning 3 and I'll probably just be getting photos up on the wall and will mostly have forgotten about the emotional pregnancy and feelings I'm having now. Life goes on and I'll keep working on enjoying every phase as much as I can!
My next ultrasound appointment in Billings is on November 30th, so I'll likely post an update around that time. In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving and happy winter season!
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